I am the most impatient person you will ever meet. I'm an organized planner to a fault. I had my life completely mapped out before I was even old enough to drive.
I would attend the University of Colorado in Boulder and major in broadcast journalism. After I graduated, I would get married precisely at age 22 and be a mom by age 24. I would have the handsome, successful husband, 2 beautiful children, a family-friendly dog and the white picket fence to finish off my happily ever after.
But then life happened. And nothing went according to my plan.
I was accepted into the University of Colorado but opted out and then ended up dropping out of community college for a man. (Listen up, kids. That was a BAD decision!) I did get married at 22 but was divorced, broke and childless by 25. No white picket fence. No happily ever after. Screw you, Disney.
I find myself scrolling through Facebook and sometimes wondering if there's some kind of conspiracy set in place. It's as if every engagement announcement, wedding picture or gender reveal is posted at the exact same moment that I decide to check out my news feed. If you are one of my deliriously happy friends who happen to fall into one of those categories, please know I love you and am genuinely happy for you. There's nothing that makes me happier than to see those I love experiencing such amazing new adventures. But, it's hard. It's really hard.
I question myself almost on a daily basis; asking what I could have done differently and why I still feel like a failure. Why didn't God just appease me and allow my plan to play out the way I imagined? There's a simple answer that I have finally come to realize. Because it wasn't meant to be. His will for my life is so much better and more amazing than my silly little plan ever had the chance of being.
I very rarely talk about the rise and fall of my marriage. It's something I keep very sacred and close to vest. If I have ever discussed those years with you, you are one of the trusted few. There are so many emotions I still experience over the loss of a union I thought would last forever. I don't know that I have yet to deal with it completely...but over the last three years, I've come to understand one thing...it just wasn't meant to be.
Although the past few years have been far from easy, God has presented me with so many amazing opportunities that I wouldn't have received otherwise. I may have been experiencing new adventures alone, but somehow I was able to navigate those waters and come out on the other side a changed person.
I moved to Hawaii.
I experienced being a part of two top-rated network television shows.
I took the plunge and moved to Houston, lived in a hotel and jaunted around the world as a flight attendant...all while making lifelong friends and seeing parts of the world that I had only ever dreamed of.
Despite many saying I was crazy, I gave up that job and came home. I wanted to be close to family and start to get a sense of being "settled." So, that's what I've done. I jumped into new jobs, new friendships, new relationships and volunteer opportunities. There is a reason I'm back home. I still have the ambition of following my dream and pursuing a career in Los Angeles, and maybe that day will come, but for now, I'm not just content. I'm finally happy.
I've finally come to grips with learning to let go. It's the most difficult and ugliest thing I've ever had to do. But, why look back? The past is in the past for a reason. I can't change it. All I can do is learn from it and move on. I have to remember to learn to "accept the things I cannot change..."
Although parts of my life feel comfortable and complete, there's still those few things missing. The family. The babies. The white picket fence. Sometimes I wonder if those things are even meant for me. Maybe I'm meant for something else. Something bigger than even I can imagine. But it still stings every time I see a new engagement announcement. Or when I get to experience holding a friend's new baby. One thing is for certain though...I think going through these difficult years have really helped shape me into the person I was created to be. I treasure memories more. I hold the ones I love a little bit tighter. I say "I love you" whether you want to hear it or not. I've realized that life is too short to let it pass me by so quickly. And through the valleys and the peaks, I've learned the joy of moving on and giving life a chance to take its course. There's a path set out for each one of us. All we have to do is trust it. Trust the One who planned it. Stop trying to force pieces to fit together. God already knows the desires of our heart...and maybe...just maybe, His plan is the one that's really meant to be.
And to the man who is beginning to reignite the love in my soul...just know...you are my heart.
I would attend the University of Colorado in Boulder and major in broadcast journalism. After I graduated, I would get married precisely at age 22 and be a mom by age 24. I would have the handsome, successful husband, 2 beautiful children, a family-friendly dog and the white picket fence to finish off my happily ever after.
But then life happened. And nothing went according to my plan.
I was accepted into the University of Colorado but opted out and then ended up dropping out of community college for a man. (Listen up, kids. That was a BAD decision!) I did get married at 22 but was divorced, broke and childless by 25. No white picket fence. No happily ever after. Screw you, Disney.
I find myself scrolling through Facebook and sometimes wondering if there's some kind of conspiracy set in place. It's as if every engagement announcement, wedding picture or gender reveal is posted at the exact same moment that I decide to check out my news feed. If you are one of my deliriously happy friends who happen to fall into one of those categories, please know I love you and am genuinely happy for you. There's nothing that makes me happier than to see those I love experiencing such amazing new adventures. But, it's hard. It's really hard.
I question myself almost on a daily basis; asking what I could have done differently and why I still feel like a failure. Why didn't God just appease me and allow my plan to play out the way I imagined? There's a simple answer that I have finally come to realize. Because it wasn't meant to be. His will for my life is so much better and more amazing than my silly little plan ever had the chance of being.
I very rarely talk about the rise and fall of my marriage. It's something I keep very sacred and close to vest. If I have ever discussed those years with you, you are one of the trusted few. There are so many emotions I still experience over the loss of a union I thought would last forever. I don't know that I have yet to deal with it completely...but over the last three years, I've come to understand one thing...it just wasn't meant to be.
Although the past few years have been far from easy, God has presented me with so many amazing opportunities that I wouldn't have received otherwise. I may have been experiencing new adventures alone, but somehow I was able to navigate those waters and come out on the other side a changed person.
I moved to Hawaii.
I experienced being a part of two top-rated network television shows.
I took the plunge and moved to Houston, lived in a hotel and jaunted around the world as a flight attendant...all while making lifelong friends and seeing parts of the world that I had only ever dreamed of.
Despite many saying I was crazy, I gave up that job and came home. I wanted to be close to family and start to get a sense of being "settled." So, that's what I've done. I jumped into new jobs, new friendships, new relationships and volunteer opportunities. There is a reason I'm back home. I still have the ambition of following my dream and pursuing a career in Los Angeles, and maybe that day will come, but for now, I'm not just content. I'm finally happy.
I've finally come to grips with learning to let go. It's the most difficult and ugliest thing I've ever had to do. But, why look back? The past is in the past for a reason. I can't change it. All I can do is learn from it and move on. I have to remember to learn to "accept the things I cannot change..."
Although parts of my life feel comfortable and complete, there's still those few things missing. The family. The babies. The white picket fence. Sometimes I wonder if those things are even meant for me. Maybe I'm meant for something else. Something bigger than even I can imagine. But it still stings every time I see a new engagement announcement. Or when I get to experience holding a friend's new baby. One thing is for certain though...I think going through these difficult years have really helped shape me into the person I was created to be. I treasure memories more. I hold the ones I love a little bit tighter. I say "I love you" whether you want to hear it or not. I've realized that life is too short to let it pass me by so quickly. And through the valleys and the peaks, I've learned the joy of moving on and giving life a chance to take its course. There's a path set out for each one of us. All we have to do is trust it. Trust the One who planned it. Stop trying to force pieces to fit together. God already knows the desires of our heart...and maybe...just maybe, His plan is the one that's really meant to be.
And to the man who is beginning to reignite the love in my soul...just know...you are my heart.